Webinar: Power & Potential of Father/Daughter Relationships

You’re invited to a webinar I'm doing March 3 on the father-daughter relationship. Should be an interesting hour, and having you there would add a lot to the experience for other participants (and maybe for yourself!). The details are below. Thanks! – Joe

The Power & Potential of Father/Daughter Relationships
Presented by Joe Kelly, Fathering Educator at The Emily Program and
author of the best-seller Dads & Daughters®: How to Inspire,
Understand and Support Your Daughter.

Date: Thursday, March 3, 2011
Time: 8:00PM - 9:00PM(EST)

Unlock the unique influence of fathers and stepfathers as the "first  man" in his daughter's life—along with fun and practical strategies for how to use that influence intentionally and intelligently.
(Facilitated by Lisa Kaplan-Miller as part of the National Association of Mother Centers' Parenting & Family Webinar Series)

Author, activist and father Joe Kelly speaks around North America on fathering, parenting, and media's impact on the family. He is Fathering Educator for The Emily Program, one of the largest eating disorders treatment programs in the US.

Register now!

JOINING A WEBINAR IS EASY! ALL YOU NEED IS A PHONE LINE AND A COMPUTER.

Father-Child Gratitude

Sometimes we’re so busy trying to get though today’s crazed schedule—or preparing for tomorrow’s and the next day’s—that we forget to talk about the most important things. Especially at this time of year.

Here’s a quick and simple exercise, appropriate for Thanksgiving week, to better understand how important you and your child or stepchild are to each other.

Jot down 10 things you are grateful for as a Dad. Make sure that at least 5 of those things relate directly to this individual child—what you are grateful to her or him for…or what it is about this child that you want to give thanks for.

Type up your list and print it out nicely so that you can present it to your child. Feel free to decorate it, use fancy fonts, or keep it very simple. Then, give it to your child.

Invite your child to write down 10 things she or he is grateful for about being a part of the family you both belong to—and invite her or him to share that list with the rest of the family.

Few of us spend a lot of conscious energy thinking about gratitude, so it can take some effort and concentration to articulate the things for which we are grateful. That’s OK—like most essential things in fathering, what is hard is also worthwhile.

We’re very grateful that you care so much about healthy, engaged fathering. Happy Thanksgiving!

Kelly to Speak @ MN Public Health Assn Family Forum

This year’s public policy forum for the Minnesota Public Health Association explores the intersection of the family and public health. The first forum (November 12, 2010 7:30-9:00 am) discusses ways that the family—its membership, and structure, and the interactions among family members—have changed over the last 10-20 years. 

The panelists will be Dr. Bill Doherty from the Family Social Science Department at the University of Minnesota; Joe Kelly, fathering author and fathering educator for The Emily Program;  Beth Quist, executive director of the Working Family Resource Center;  and Janet Salo, the Kinship Navigator Project Coordinator for the Minnesota Kinship Caregivers Association.

Thursday morning, Nov. 11 from 7:30-9:00 am at the Minnesota Department of Health, Snelling Office Park, 1645 Energy Park Drive in St. Paul.

The event is $8 for MPHA members, $15 for non-members and $5 for students. Register at www.mpha.net/tabs/events/eventdetails.aspx?EventId=170.

Halloween Tips for Dads & Daughters

Feel trapped by over-sexed & over-commercialized Halloween costumes for your daughter?

The search for Halloween costumes can be treacherous, filled with over-sexed and stereotyped "choices." These healthy ideas from Drs. Lyn Mikel Brown and Sharon Lamb (authors of Packaging Girlhood: Rescuing Our Daughters from Marketers' Schemes) help Dads fight back and let her creativity sparkle! (Use these tips with your sons, too--kids' resiliency grows if they don't get stuck in arbitrary gender roles.)

1. Help her think outside the box (especially boxes of store-bought costumes). Imagination and creativity can help girls break out of gender stereotypes...and are great practice for reality.
2.  Encourage her to be anyone or anything for Halloween--and the rest of her life. Help her to be inspired by real women doing wild, brave and phenomenal things.
3. Listen to her ideas and encourage all the possibilities. She is bombarded with pink princesses, sexy divas and pop stars, but don't assume anything-let her costume choice surprise you!
4. Discuss and work on Halloween costumes together. It's a great learning and bonding experience. Help her recall the best costumes she ever saw, and share some favorites from your childhood.
5. Add her own twist to pink and glitter, and have her character DO something. Help her imagine a feisty fairy taking on the evil dragon, a butterfly that saves the insect world, or a queen who fights for her country with sheath and sword. She can be a glittered firefighter, or even a sparkly skeleton!
6. Sit down and let your daughter create her own character and story. She can raid the family closets or dress up box to become the wildest or coolest character ever!
7. Tap her love for scary stories and the history of Halloween; help her go "traditional" and be a witch, Frankenstein, or a ghost. Avoid those sexy diva witch costumes; use your own imagination to create the scary, ugly, and awful look.
8. Draw on her favorite book or character. Reread the book with her to plan what she'll need to "be" Anne of Green Gables, Dorothy of Oz, or Hermione Granger. And don't rule out boy characters: Dracula, Harry Potter, or even Dumbledore!
9. Is your daughter an athlete or history buff? Halloween is a chance to become Lorena Ochoa, Mia Hamm, Danica Patrick, Sheryl Swoopes, Se Ri Pak, Rosa Parks, Amelia Earhart, Joan of Arc, Harriet Tubman, Sally Ride, Golda Meir-the list is endless (and can include males)! Her Jane Goodall can carry a stuffed gorilla; her Van Gogh can wear a bandage on his ear-once you start brainstorming, ideas will flood in.
10. Halloween is all about being what you aren't...help her stretch her imagination. Teach her that it's false advertising when stores label cowpoke, police officer and firefighter costumes as "for boys." (Then introduce her to the female police officers and fire fighters in your community!) Halloween is a day of imagination-a perfect opportunity to show her that she can be anyone, any profession, any role.
Learn more about healthy fathering @  www.TheDadMan.com and www.Daughters.com.

Dads’ 10 Tips for the New School Year

Our children and stepchildren are starting the new school year. Dads & Stepdads are a valuable resource for kids in school.  Here are a few simple tips to help you help them get the most out of this year (pronouns alternate because we dads have both girls & boys):

1. Listen to what’s happening. If she’s stressed or upset about cliques, teams, new subjects, or anything else—give her your attention. Provide her time to get things out and do some processing before jumping in with judgments or suggestions.

2. Help him keep perspective. Gently remind him that there are more important things than who’s wearing what, or who is going out with whom. Let him know (in word and deed) that you love him for who he is, no matter what.

3. Set the stage. Ask your child what a successful school year would look like for her—friends, sports, activities, dating—and then have her tell you about how important each goal is to her and if she thinks each one is realistic.  It’s OK to discuss your expectations regarding grades, but remember the important lessons learned outside the classroom and all the pressures which face our kids today.

4. Nurture your special father-child bond. Go out for ice cream, go swimming, shoot hoops, or do something you know he loves. The beginning of school is a great time to begin a new tradition. How about a lunch date the last Saturday of every month?

5. Let her cope and experiment. School can be a great place for her to learn important personal and interpersonal skills which will serve her later in life. Don’t rush in to solve every problem – listen. But never back down where her personal safety is concerned.

6. Walk a mile in his shoes. Try to imagine what he’s experiencing and what it means to him. Your understanding and empathy can help him make it through his own trials.

7. Celebrate success. We dads sometimes tend to focus more on what’s not going right than we do on what is going well. Be sure to let her know how proud you are of her talents and accomplishments—even if they are not readily recognized by others.

8. Be his hero. Stay always mindful of his unique spirit and give him your loyalty, kindness, acceptance, respect, and support. Your influence in his life is unique, so make it as positive as possible.

9. Tell stories about yourself. Many things have changed since you were a kid, but most of the important stuff is still the same. Share your own youthful struggles with staying true to yourself, your values, and your friends. Don’t make every story into a lecture, and be sure to admit your mistakes—they can teach her a lot (starting with humility)!

10. Honor his interests. Even if his passion isn’t your first choice for fun, be there for him, let him teach you about his interests, and learn why he’s passionate about them. Your validation is a huge help to him.

To learn more about healthy fathering, visit www.TheDadMan.com.

©Joe Kelly; All rights reserved.

9 Tips for Dads to Encourage Reading

Whether your child is a toddler or a teenager, dads & stepdads can encourage the irreplaceable love of reading. Here's how:
(Pronouns alternate between daughter and son.)

1. Read to them. From her earliest days, read stories to your child from a picture book, the newspaper, or anyplace else. Your infant needs to hear your voice, and if she hears you reading, you help connect her to the excitement of the written word. When she's ready, invite her to read aloud to you and show her how much you enjoy listening. Some dads and daughters still read aloud when the daughter is a teenager or adult, because it's a special "just us" time together.
2. Show them books. Pictures in a book (or the actual world outside) are far more effective for a toddler's brain development than any video or TV show. In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends NO screen time for children under 2, because it can disrupt healthy brain development. On the other hand, reading together stimulates intellectual and social development.
3. Be patient. If you've ever tried to learn a new language as an adult, you understand how incredible it is for a pre-schooler to learn to speak and read her own language. It takes time! Play  with letters together, help him learn and manipulate them. Most kids learn to read at their own pace with encouragement and exposure to letters and books.
4. Go to the library together. Libraries have something for people of every age and background. No matter how old she is, you can help turn her on to the joys of wondering the stacks and discovering hidden treasures of books around every corner.
5. Make books together. When he's young, scribble together in crayon on construction paper, and then fold the pieces together to make a book. Doesn't matter if it appears "real" to you or is just jibberish-he'll have the pride of creating a book. For more book-making ideas, see The Dads & Daughters Togetherness Guide: 54 Fun Activities to Help Build a Great Relationship.
6. Be eclectic. It's OK for teenagers to still like "Goodnight Moon" while simultaneously being passionate about anime, Jane Austin and Twilight. Reading is reading, so encourage it all.
7. Be curious. Ask your child about what she's reading, and be willing to answer questions about what you're reading (or anything else). Encourage her to ask questions about what a book says-and to use that critical thinking and curiosity in the rest of her life.
8. Power down. Too much time at a screen--TV, computer, video game, cell phone, etc,--inhibits your child's interest in reading and his ability to read well. Turn off screens, limit screen time, and cut back on the electronic toys. Simple toys (like blocks, crayons, and cardboard boxes) stimulate creative play, social and mental development, and lay a good foundation for reading.
9. Make time to read yourself. A big chunk of our fatherly influence comes from the example we set for our kids and stepkids. Get into reading yourself, and be eclectic-comic books are OK for you, too! Your enjoyment is infectious and triggers your child's interest.

Learn more about healthy fathering @ www.TheDadMan.com.

Fathers Day & Birth Days

I like Fathers Day because I get good cards & messages from my kids and because I get to go out to eat. As a long-time advocate for fathers & stepfathers,  I also like that folks spend at least a few moments thinking about involved fatherhood and its meaning.

No single experience transformed me as a human being more than the experience of being a father to my children. Taking the chance to be an at-home dad for some of their childhood, I felt the immediacy of that visceral, spiritual connection between father and child—a connection that continues 30 years later.

My kids are grown now, but that fact hasn’t changed some things. They are still important to me, and vice versa—although in different and continually evolving ways. I’ve also been blessed over the years to hear stories from thousands of fathers and kids, as a teacher and advocate for engaged fathering and stepfathering.

All of those stories and experiences renforce my measure of “engagement” for fathers: as a Dad, am I committing  the same level of intensity as I did the day my child was born? The day of wonder and mystery and legacy when I first held my child in my hands?

So, there’s a Fathers Day wish: may every day as a dad bring you as much experience as possible of the intensity and wonder and commitment of fathering.