Dads’ 10 Tips for the New School Year

Our children and stepchildren are starting the new school year. Dads & Stepdads are a valuable resource for kids in school.  Here are a few simple tips to help you help them get the most out of this year (pronouns alternate because we dads have both girls & boys):

1. Listen to what’s happening. If she’s stressed or upset about cliques, teams, new subjects, or anything else—give her your attention. Provide her time to get things out and do some processing before jumping in with judgments or suggestions.

2. Help him keep perspective. Gently remind him that there are more important things than who’s wearing what, or who is going out with whom. Let him know (in word and deed) that you love him for who he is, no matter what.

3. Set the stage. Ask your child what a successful school year would look like for her—friends, sports, activities, dating—and then have her tell you about how important each goal is to her and if she thinks each one is realistic.  It’s OK to discuss your expectations regarding grades, but remember the important lessons learned outside the classroom and all the pressures which face our kids today.

4. Nurture your special father-child bond. Go out for ice cream, go swimming, shoot hoops, or do something you know he loves. The beginning of school is a great time to begin a new tradition. How about a lunch date the last Saturday of every month?

5. Let her cope and experiment. School can be a great place for her to learn important personal and interpersonal skills which will serve her later in life. Don’t rush in to solve every problem – listen. But never back down where her personal safety is concerned.

6. Walk a mile in his shoes. Try to imagine what he’s experiencing and what it means to him. Your understanding and empathy can help him make it through his own trials.

7. Celebrate success. We dads sometimes tend to focus more on what’s not going right than we do on what is going well. Be sure to let her know how proud you are of her talents and accomplishments—even if they are not readily recognized by others.

8. Be his hero. Stay always mindful of his unique spirit and give him your loyalty, kindness, acceptance, respect, and support. Your influence in his life is unique, so make it as positive as possible.

9. Tell stories about yourself. Many things have changed since you were a kid, but most of the important stuff is still the same. Share your own youthful struggles with staying true to yourself, your values, and your friends. Don’t make every story into a lecture, and be sure to admit your mistakes—they can teach her a lot (starting with humility)!

10. Honor his interests. Even if his passion isn’t your first choice for fun, be there for him, let him teach you about his interests, and learn why he’s passionate about them. Your validation is a huge help to him.

To learn more about healthy fathering, visit www.TheDadMan.com.

©Joe Kelly; All rights reserved.

9 Tips for Dads to Encourage Reading

Whether your child is a toddler or a teenager, dads & stepdads can encourage the irreplaceable love of reading. Here's how:
(Pronouns alternate between daughter and son.)

1. Read to them. From her earliest days, read stories to your child from a picture book, the newspaper, or anyplace else. Your infant needs to hear your voice, and if she hears you reading, you help connect her to the excitement of the written word. When she's ready, invite her to read aloud to you and show her how much you enjoy listening. Some dads and daughters still read aloud when the daughter is a teenager or adult, because it's a special "just us" time together.
2. Show them books. Pictures in a book (or the actual world outside) are far more effective for a toddler's brain development than any video or TV show. In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends NO screen time for children under 2, because it can disrupt healthy brain development. On the other hand, reading together stimulates intellectual and social development.
3. Be patient. If you've ever tried to learn a new language as an adult, you understand how incredible it is for a pre-schooler to learn to speak and read her own language. It takes time! Play  with letters together, help him learn and manipulate them. Most kids learn to read at their own pace with encouragement and exposure to letters and books.
4. Go to the library together. Libraries have something for people of every age and background. No matter how old she is, you can help turn her on to the joys of wondering the stacks and discovering hidden treasures of books around every corner.
5. Make books together. When he's young, scribble together in crayon on construction paper, and then fold the pieces together to make a book. Doesn't matter if it appears "real" to you or is just jibberish-he'll have the pride of creating a book. For more book-making ideas, see The Dads & Daughters Togetherness Guide: 54 Fun Activities to Help Build a Great Relationship.
6. Be eclectic. It's OK for teenagers to still like "Goodnight Moon" while simultaneously being passionate about anime, Jane Austin and Twilight. Reading is reading, so encourage it all.
7. Be curious. Ask your child about what she's reading, and be willing to answer questions about what you're reading (or anything else). Encourage her to ask questions about what a book says-and to use that critical thinking and curiosity in the rest of her life.
8. Power down. Too much time at a screen--TV, computer, video game, cell phone, etc,--inhibits your child's interest in reading and his ability to read well. Turn off screens, limit screen time, and cut back on the electronic toys. Simple toys (like blocks, crayons, and cardboard boxes) stimulate creative play, social and mental development, and lay a good foundation for reading.
9. Make time to read yourself. A big chunk of our fatherly influence comes from the example we set for our kids and stepkids. Get into reading yourself, and be eclectic-comic books are OK for you, too! Your enjoyment is infectious and triggers your child's interest.

Learn more about healthy fathering @ www.TheDadMan.com.

Fathers Day & Birth Days

I like Fathers Day because I get good cards & messages from my kids and because I get to go out to eat. As a long-time advocate for fathers & stepfathers,  I also like that folks spend at least a few moments thinking about involved fatherhood and its meaning.

No single experience transformed me as a human being more than the experience of being a father to my children. Taking the chance to be an at-home dad for some of their childhood, I felt the immediacy of that visceral, spiritual connection between father and child—a connection that continues 30 years later.

My kids are grown now, but that fact hasn’t changed some things. They are still important to me, and vice versa—although in different and continually evolving ways. I’ve also been blessed over the years to hear stories from thousands of fathers and kids, as a teacher and advocate for engaged fathering and stepfathering.

All of those stories and experiences renforce my measure of “engagement” for fathers: as a Dad, am I committing  the same level of intensity as I did the day my child was born? The day of wonder and mystery and legacy when I first held my child in my hands?

So, there’s a Fathers Day wish: may every day as a dad bring you as much experience as possible of the intensity and wonder and commitment of fathering.

Father's Day Fill In the Blanks

This Fathers Day, take a step beyond honoring dad with a card or gift. Set aside a few moments to learn something more about your own father, stepfather, father-in-law...and learn about yourself as a father. Fill in the blanks in the 10 statements below and then share them with your dad--and your kids.

If your father or stepfather is gone, show you answers to your spouse, partner, siblings, and/or other loved ones. (Thanks to Gary Burns & his daughters, creators of The Communications Game, for help with this list)

What I admire most about my father is ____. I say that because ____.

I really want my father to know ______. I say that because ______.

The time I felt most loved in my life was when ______. I say that because ______.

I wish my father and I had more time or ability to ___________ together. I say that because ______.

My greatest joy in life today is _______. I say that because ______. What is your greatest joy, Dad?

My greatest satisfaction in life today is _______. I say that because ______. What is your greatest satisfaction, Dad?

What I value most in a friend is _______. I say that because ______.

For me, loyalty means _________. I say that because ________.

Of all the people who died before I was born, I would most like to visit with ______. I say that because ________.

The thing I will remember most about my father is _________. I say that because ________.

12 Prom Tips for Dads

Prom season is approaching fast. For Dads, that can stir up excitement, dread, fun, uncertainty...all at the same time! Prom is a sign of how quickly our "little" kids are growing up, and a reminder of the hazards they face out in the big bad world.

These TheDadMan.com tips help Dads and kids get the most out of Prom time (she/he pronouns alternate, but the tips apply equally to daughters and sons).

1. It's his Prom, not yours. Dad functions best when he's a good coach who listens closely to where he's at, rather than imposing his emotions or fears on the situation.

2. "Dad" = "Detective." Yes, it's more than okay to meet your kid's date ahead of time. Make it a low-pressure meeting, like encouraging her to invite her date over to do homework some night. Promise her you won't act like a prosecuting attorney (and then keep that promise), but let her know you care about her friends because you care so much about her.

3. Be in the know about the "Nos." No booze, no drugs, no hotel rooms, no riding without seatbelts. No exceptions--no matter how persistently he argues: "But, Dad! Everyone is doing it!" Then make sure he knows that, no matter where, when, or what the situation, you will come get kid & date immediately if they find themselves in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation. And that there will be no lecture until at least the next day. Make a pact that you and he BOTH will let each other know where you are and who you're with, all evening, no exceptions. Be sure he has access to a phone to reach you.

4. Keep your head when, all around you, others are losing their shoulder straps. Wearing "sexy" clothes (and dyeing hair) is normal adolescent behavior. It can be a teenager's self-directed experiment in self-definition. Dad's job is to let her know that he loves her for who she is, now and forever. Meanwhile, you are not a dork if you set a dress code, but be willing to compromise or (even better) develop a dress code together.

5. Beauty is in the eye of Dad. Always remember how important your opinions are to your child or stepchild. A kid needs to know that Dad thinks he is wonderful inside and out. Tell him he glows by just being himself. Remember: no tux, dress, hairdo or flowers can match the true, inner beauty you see in your children.

6. Yes, Dad, Prom costs money. So set a budget early. Talk honestly with each other about the cost of tickets, dress/tux/suit, flowers, parties, etc. Then work out a realistic plan for what you can afford together, letting her share some of the load.

7. Simple is the new black. Many kids and families (and, sadly, some schools) invest so much in Prom that it seems like a bigger deal than a wedding. While teens want to fit in, they also like to be different. So offer the "simple" approach to Prom as the way to be radically different. Skip the limo (dress up & be the chauffeur yourself), skip the high-priced labels (many fine togs hang in thrift and consignment shops), and skip the Royal Banquet (suggest the old-fashioned idea of post-Prom bowling or making a scene eating at the local diner in tuxes and gowns).

8. Do the Dad Dance. Make sure he knows how to slow dance with class and style. Practice with him and Mom or Stepmom to some songs from your Prom days.

9. Lock in on lock-ins. If the school hosts a post-Prom overnight lock-in, make sure you know what will be happening there and get her commitment to observe all the rules (including the one about having fun). If you volunteer to chaperone, make the following deal with a fellow chaperone: "I promised my daughter that I wouldn't hover around her and her date. So, if you keep a close eye on my kid, I'll cover your flank by keeping a close eye on your kid."

10. C'mon over! Avoid the post-Prom party minefield by having your kid and a handful of his friends (and even their dates!) over to your house for a relaxed, substance-free, and well-chaperoned get-together. Let them attend another non-school post-Prom party ONLY if you know the host family very well, they have a substance-free policy (& the parents know there's going to be a party!)

11. Breaking up doesn't mean the party's over. If she breaks up with her date before Prom, encourage her to go with one or more other friends, even if there isn't any romantic interest. But most of all, respect how she's feeling, hear her out, support her, and follow her lead.

12. Leave the light on. Wait up until he gets home, and then enjoy the fruit of your trust in each other-the great stories he'll tell about the Prom.

Learn more about healthy fathering @ www.TheDadMan.com.

Tips for Dads & Kids Watching the Super Bowl Together

One of a Dad's simple pleasures is watching TV sports together with his kids and/or stepkids. But what about those moments (like during some questionable commercials) when you want to cover your child's eyes with your hands?

Here are a few simple tips from The Dad Man to help fathers and stepfathers get more out of watching February 7's Super Bowl 44 (and other TV sportscasts) with their daughters and sons.

1. Spend part of Sunday (or any) afternoon tossing the ball around with your kids. Dads who are physically active with their daughters & sons increase the odds that they'll grow up healthy and strong.
2. If she doesn't like to play catch, take a walk or bike ride together. Let your child know that you enjoy being with her. The time together may give her an opportunity to share what is going on in her life. Kids may see our enthusiasm for sports and think we're more interested in our favorite team than in them. Making time for them on Super Bowl Sunday (and every other day) can counter that perception.
3. Try to watch the broadcast through your child's eyes. Would any images, commercials, or events look or feel different if it was your kid on the screen? What does he think of all the hype about commercials during the game? Share your perceptions with him and ask him what he thinks.
4. When watching the game, be aware that the things your child or stepchild sees may be entirely different from what you see. For example, instead of enjoying the game, is your daughter feeling inadequate while comparing her body to the "perfect" cheerleaders or hyper-sexualized women in the ads? What misconceptions might the commercials give your son about what it means to be a "real" man?
5. Use the remote! If you see disrespectful or objectifying ads and images, change the channel so you, your kids, and your family don't have those images in your home. Let your kids know why you decided to flip and ask for their feedback.
6. Compare the number of female sports announcers (many fewer) and their roles (usually on the sidelines) to the number and role of the male announcers. Tell your kids what you think about those numbers. Do they mean that your daughter can't be as big a fan as you or your son? Do you want your sons or daughters to have their career aspirations curtailed by their gender?
7. Ask your kids which players and coaches they admire or see as heroes. Tell them which ones you admire, and then share your reasons with each other.
8. After the game, debate your opinions on the crucial plays and most exciting moments. Then invite your children or stepchildren to do something special together next Sunday to keep these conversations rolling and to convince them that the most important man in their lives takes them seriously-and enjoys being with them!
9. Use the Super Bowl to become more media-literate and sensitive to your children's experience. Pay more attention to how media portray boys, girls, women and men. When you see an advertisement or program, ask "What if it was my child in that picture?", and then reassess your reaction to it.

Get more fathering resources at www.TheDadMan.com.

The Holidays: Acquisition or Altruism?

For parents trying to pass on positive values to children in a commercialized culture, the December holidays pose an especially difficult challenge.  Each year, holiday marketing begins earlier. And our children, targets for marketing all year round, face an ever-intensified onslaught of advertising designed to supplant the cultural, spiritual, social-political meaning of the holidays with celebration of materialistic acquisition instead of altruism, spending instead of spirituality, and getting instead of giving.

That’s why I wrote a contribution to the Campaign for Commercial Free Childhood’s  CCFC Guide to Commercial-Free Holidays.

Of course, there's no one size fits all method for getting through the holidays with your values intact.  So the CCFC guide provides an array of suggestions, from people we respect and admire, for reclaiming your family celebrations from marketers. Please check it out.