That Ain’t MY Baby!

If you work with expectant parents (or are an expectant dad yourself), be sure you understand the power of language.

Remember that old Paul Anka hit, “Having My Baby?” Here’s a tip: Don’t ever say, “She’s having my baby.” (Sorry, Paul!)

Instead, say, “We’re having our baby.” Seem like a minor point? Well, it’s not. When you say “She’s having my baby,” it sounds like you own both the baby and the mom (you don’t) – a sentiment that may very well make your partner want to scream.

Anka’s song isn’t all bad. After all, he sings that having a baby is “a lovely way of sayin’ how much you love me.” But remember that it’s not just a lovely way for a woman to show that she loves a man – at its best, having a baby together is a sign of mutual love between the parents, regardless of gender. But (as you’ll soon learn), it’s a lot more than that, too.

The whole process of being an expectant father and a new dad is a “we” thing. You and your partner made this baby together, or decided together to adopt this baby. When you stop to think about it, that’s really a miracle! So, you both should do all you can to make sure you share it all.

Start by always remembering to tell people “We’re having a baby,” “We’re expecting,” “We’re adopting,” or “We’re pregnant.” Then, insist that others use similar terminology when referring to your pregnancy. That will help everyone (including you) get used to the idea that you are a full partner in this making and raising a baby gig.

Using this sort of verbiage also helps you avoid being shunted aside (or skulking away) when it comes to decisions about the pregnancy and arrival of the new child.

PS: The other thing you should be sure to say to your partner is “you’re beautiful” and “I love you”. Often.

The Value of Veteran Dads

Working with new fathers or stepfathers? Here’s is some food for thought to share:

It is kind of silly not to take advantage of all the knowledge and wisdom held by veteran dads—the fathers who’ve gone ahead of us on this road of raising kids. Still, fathers don’t make a habit of talking to each other about being dads. We’re more comfortable discussing the latest football trade than the pros and cons of teaching an infant to swim.

Fortunately, you don’t have to repeat any “strong and silent” or “fathering is for wimps” patterns. (Parenting is most definitely not for wimps, whatever they are) So use your courage to ask an experienced father for advice. Or just ask him to tell stories about when he and his partner were first starting out. He’ll probably be flattered, and happy to chat.

And don’t forget those veteran moms. Girls grow up hearing as much about parenting as we heard about baseball. So, when they grow up and become moms, they can also be valuable coaches for us rookies.

So, on the days when you feel panicked and overwhelmed, stop and ask for help and directions from a veteran dad or a parents’ hotline or warmline. Notice, I said “when” and not “if”. You will feel panicked and overwhelmed, so don’t . . . well, panic about it!

Luckily, along with the fear, you’ll also start feeling great pride in your accomplishments. Rightly so! You are making a big difference in the life of your infant. That pride will continue to be a great comfort and motivation through all your days as a father.

Learn more @ www.TheDadMan.com

Dads & Daughters® Tips for Easing The Back-to-School Transition

The start of the new school year can be a nerve-wracking time for our kids and stepkids. Here are 10 tips to help smooth the way. (Pronouns alternate between genders.)

1. Listen to what’s happening. If she’s stressed or upset about cliques, teams, new subjects, or anything else—give her your attention. Provide her time to get things out and do some processing before jumping in with judgments or suggestions.

2. Help him keep perspective. Gently remind him that there are more important things than who’s wearing what, or who is going out with whom. Let him know (in word and deed) that you love him for who he is, no matter what.

3. Set the stage. Ask your child what a successful school year would look like for her—friends, sports, activities, dating—and then have her tell you about how important each goal is to her and if she thinks each one is realistic.  It’s OK to discuss your expectations regarding grades, but remember the important lessons learned outside the classroom and all the pressures which face our kids today.

4. Nurture your special father-child bond. Go out for ice cream, go swimming, shoot hoops, or do something you know he loves. The beginning of school is a great time to begin a new tradition. How about a lunch date the last Saturday of every month?

5. Let her cope and experiment. School can be a great place for her to learn important personal and interpersonal skills which will serve her later in life. Don’t rush in to solve every problem – listen. But never back down where her personal safety is concerned.

6. Walk a mile in his shoes. Try to imagine what he’s experiencing and what it means to him. Your understanding and empathy can help him make it through his own trials.

7. Celebrate success. We dads sometimes tend to focus more on what’s not going right than we do on what is going well. Be sure to let her know how proud you are of her talents and accomplishments—even if they are not readily recognized by others.

8. Be his hero. Stay always mindful of his unique spirit and give him your loyalty, kindness, acceptance, respect, and support. Your influence in his life is unique, so make it as positive as possible.

9. Tell stories about yourself. Many things have changed since you were a kid, but most of the important stuff is still the same. Share your own youthful struggles with staying true to yourself, your values, and your friends. Don’t make every story into a lecture, and be sure to admit your mistakes—they can teach her a lot (starting with humility)!

10. Honor his interests. Even if his passion isn’t your first choice for fun, be there for him, let him teach you about his interests, and learn why he’s passionate about them. Your validation is a huge help to him.

To learn more about healthy fathering, visit www.TheDadMan.com.

These tips may be used for educational purposes if reproduced unaltered, in their entirety, with the following: ©Joe Kelly; All rights reserved. www.TheDadMan.com.