The Dad Man

How Moms & Dads See Dads--a Research Study

2012-05-08T16:58:00.000-07:00

"Fathering Behaviors as Perceived by Both Parents" is a University of Houston study a to understand the involvement of fathers in a child’s life from either the father’s or the mother’s perspective.

The survey has a male version and a female version and takes about 30 minutes to complete; you may also write additional comments related to fathering behaviors at the end.

Your answers are based on your own opinion and experience and there are no right-or-wrong answers. This questionnaire is anonymous; your personal identity will not be known to the researcher and your answers will be reported collectively with other participants’ input.

To participate in this study go to the survey and follow the instructions. We'll update you on the results once the researchers are done with their work.

Connecting with Kids Through Dads

2012-04-26T16:52:00.004-07:00

Research from the well respected Search Institute shows that only 35 percent of young people say they feel a caring adult at school truly knows them, let alone their interests.

Congregations and youth organizations don't fare much better.

At the same time, years of research show that the impact of even one caring adult relationship has huge benefits for a child.

If you are a professional working with families, you probably already know the importance of your positive relationships with kids.

You can strengthen and nurture those relationships by respecting and engaging with the child’s family.

But have you reflected on how seldom such a professional-to-family connection is made with a child’s father or stepfather?

Check back here (or subscribe to the blog) for tips for professionals to tap the power and potential of father-child relationships.

If you or your agency could benefit from father involvement strategies, contact me for information about my in-service trainings and consulting.

Show Me the Money

2012-04-18T17:03:00.002-07:00

Financial literacy remains an under-taught and under-discussed subject in our schools and homes.

Now, a new report from the respected Search Institute suggests that existing financial literacy programs may be working from flawed assumptions. The report identifies these as:

Limited evidence of program effectiveness in having a lasting impact on student knowledge or financial behaviors
A persistent myth that financial knowledge is a primary driver of financial decisions, given that so many psychological and other factors play major roles in choices
The danger of “blaming the victim” by putting primary or sole responsibility on the individuals for their financial situation
The limited relevance of the core content of many financial literacy programs, particularly for low-income youth and families
Questions about whether to focus on financial “literacy” or financial “capability

If you work with families, financial literacy for children (and parents) ought to be part of your work. Most parents--including fathers and stepfathers--are in the workforce and managing money.

That makes it essential to include parents--including fathers and stepfathers--in our efforts to raise citizens who know the values and strategies they need to manage their resources over a lifetime.

What are you doing to improve financial know-how for children and families?

How Much Can Marriage Solve?

2012-04-12T16:15:00.003-07:00

For years, there's been heated debate about the efficacy--and moral assumptions behind--marriage promotion as a solution for poverty. Much of what we've read through those years has been simplistic and too readily used to promote one political policy agenda or another.

A recent discussion of the relationship between poverty and marriage is refreshingly different. Former George W. Bush adviser Ron Haskins makes a strong case in the Washington Post for greater personal responsibility among young people, and proposes marriage as a good measure of same.

Jodie Levin-Epstein, responding in the Huffington Post, makes an equally strong case that young people with little hope of economic stability may be acting responsibly by not bringing that instability into marriage. Levin-Epstein, deputy director of CLASP, which advocates on low-income policy matters, writes that poor people crave relationship stability as much as the affluent do.

In 20+ years of listening to men talk about their fathering and stepfathering experiences, it seems clear to me that poverty can't be licked with a one-size-fits-all relationship remedy. I am relieved to see some nuance about the marriage-promotion discussion migrating from academia into mainstream opinion-makers' conversation.

For ongoing perspective and research on these issues, connect with the Center for Family Policy and Practice at http://www.cffpp.org/.

Webinar: Power & Potential of Father/Daughter Relationships

2011-02-17T11:06:00.001-08:00

You’re invited to a webinar I'm doing March 3 on the father-daughter relationship. Should be an interesting hour, and having you there would add a lot to the experience for other participants (and maybe for yourself!). The details are below. Thanks! – Joe

The Power & Potential of Father/Daughter Relationships
Presented by Joe Kelly, Fathering Educator at The Emily Program and
author of the best-seller Dads & Daughters®: How to Inspire,
Understand and Support Your Daughter.

Date: Thursday, March 3, 2011
Time: 8:00PM - 9:00PM(EST)

Unlock the unique influence of fathers and stepfathers as the "first man" in his daughter's life—along with fun and practical strategies for how to use that influence intentionally and intelligently.
(Facilitated by Lisa Kaplan-Miller as part of the National Association of Mother Centers' Parenting & Family Webinar Series)

Author, activist and father Joe Kelly speaks around North America on fathering, parenting, and media's impact on the family. He is Fathering Educator for The Emily Program, one of the largest eating disorders treatment programs in the US.

Register now!

JOINING A WEBINAR IS EASY! ALL YOU NEED IS A PHONE LINE AND A COMPUTER.

Father-Child Gratitude

2010-11-17T05:07:00.001-08:00

Sometimes we’re so busy trying to get though today’s crazed schedule—or preparing for tomorrow’s and the next day’s—that we forget to talk about the most important things. Especially at this time of year.

Here’s a quick and simple exercise, appropriate for Thanksgiving week, to better understand how important you and your child or stepchild are to each other.

Jot down 10 things you are grateful for as a Dad. Make sure that at least 5 of those things relate directly to this individual child—what you are grateful to her or him for…or what it is about this child that you want to give thanks for.

Type up your list and print it out nicely so that you can present it to your child. Feel free to decorate it, use fancy fonts, or keep it very simple. Then, give it to your child.

Invite your child to write down 10 things she or he is grateful for about being a part of the family you both belong to—and invite her or him to share that list with the rest of the family.

Few of us spend a lot of conscious energy thinking about gratitude, so it can take some effort and concentration to articulate the things for which we are grateful. That’s OK—like most essential things in fathering, what is hard is also worthwhile.

We’re very grateful that you care so much about healthy, engaged fathering. Happy Thanksgiving!

Kelly to Speak @ MN Public Health Assn Family Forum

2010-11-01T07:42:00.001-07:00

This year’s public policy forum for the Minnesota Public Health Association explores the intersection of the family and public health. The first forum (November 12, 2010 7:30-9:00 am) discusses ways that the family—its membership, and structure, and the interactions among family members—have changed over the last 10-20 years.

The panelists will be Dr. Bill Doherty from the Family Social Science Department at the University of Minnesota; Joe Kelly, fathering author and fathering educator for The Emily Program; Beth Quist, executive director of the Working Family Resource Center; and Janet Salo, the Kinship Navigator Project Coordinator for the Minnesota Kinship Caregivers Association.

Thursday morning, Nov. 11 from 7:30-9:00 am at the Minnesota Department of Health, Snelling Office Park, 1645 Energy Park Drive in St. Paul.

The event is $8 for MPHA members, $15 for non-members and $5 for students. Register at www.mpha.net/tabs/events/eventdetails.aspx?EventId=170.

Halloween Tips for Dads & Daughters

2010-10-08T15:17:00.001-07:00

Feel trapped by over-sexed & over-commercialized Halloween costumes for your daughter?

The search for Halloween costumes can be treacherous, filled with over-sexed and stereotyped "choices." These healthy ideas from Drs. Lyn Mikel Brown and Sharon Lamb (authors of Packaging Girlhood: Rescuing Our Daughters from Marketers' Schemes) help Dads fight back and let her creativity sparkle! (Use these tips with your sons, too--kids' resiliency grows if they don't get stuck in arbitrary gender roles.)

1. Help her think outside the box (especially boxes of store-bought costumes). Imagination and creativity can help girls break out of gender stereotypes...and are great practice for reality.
2. Encourage her to be anyone or anything for Halloween--and the rest of her life. Help her to be inspired by real women doing wild, brave and phenomenal things.
3. Listen to her ideas and encourage all the possibilities. She is bombarded with pink princesses, sexy divas and pop stars, but don't assume anything-let her costume choice surprise you!
4. Discuss and work on Halloween costumes together. It's a great learning and bonding experience. Help her recall the best costumes she ever saw, and share some favorites from your childhood.
5. Add her own twist to pink and glitter, and have her character DO something. Help her imagine a feisty fairy taking on the evil dragon, a butterfly that saves the insect world, or a queen who fights for her country with sheath and sword. She can be a glittered firefighter, or even a sparkly skeleton!
6. Sit down and let your daughter create her own character and story. She can raid the family closets or dress up box to become the wildest or coolest character ever!
7. Tap her love for scary stories and the history of Halloween; help her go "traditional" and be a witch, Frankenstein, or a ghost. Avoid those sexy diva witch costumes; use your own imagination to create the scary, ugly, and awful look.
8. Draw on her favorite book or character. Reread the book with her to plan what she'll need to "be" Anne of Green Gables, Dorothy of Oz, or Hermione Granger. And don't rule out boy characters: Dracula, Harry Potter, or even Dumbledore!
9. Is your daughter an athlete or history buff? Halloween is a chance to become Lorena Ochoa, Mia Hamm, Danica Patrick, Sheryl Swoopes, Se Ri Pak, Rosa Parks, Amelia Earhart, Joan of Arc, Harriet Tubman, Sally Ride, Golda Meir-the list is endless (and can include males)! Her Jane Goodall can carry a stuffed gorilla; her Van Gogh can wear a bandage on his ear-once you start brainstorming, ideas will flood in.
10. Halloween is all about being what you aren't...help her stretch her imagination. Teach her that it's false advertising when stores label cowpoke, police officer and firefighter costumes as "for boys." (Then introduce her to the female police officers and fire fighters in your community!) Halloween is a day of imagination-a perfect opportunity to show her that she can be anyone, any profession, any role.
Learn more about healthy fathering @ www.TheDadMan.com and www.Daughters.com.

Dads’ 10 Tips for the New School Year

2010-09-02T10:01:00.001-07:00

Our children and stepchildren are starting the new school year. Dads & Stepdads are a valuable resource for kids in school. Here are a few simple tips to help you help them get the most out of this year (pronouns alternate because we dads have both girls & boys):

1. Listen to what’s happening. If she’s stressed or upset about cliques, teams, new subjects, or anything else—give her your attention. Provide her time to get things out and do some processing before jumping in with judgments or suggestions.

2. Help him keep perspective. Gently remind him that there are more important things than who’s wearing what, or who is going out with whom. Let him know (in word and deed) that you love him for who he is, no matter what.

3. Set the stage. Ask your child what a successful school year would look like for her—friends, sports, activities, dating—and then have her tell you about how important each goal is to her and if she thinks each one is realistic. It’s OK to discuss your expectations regarding grades, but remember the important lessons learned outside the classroom and all the pressures which face our kids today.

4. Nurture your special father-child bond. Go out for ice cream, go swimming, shoot hoops, or do something you know he loves. The beginning of school is a great time to begin a new tradition. How about a lunch date the last Saturday of every month?

5. Let her cope and experiment. School can be a great place for her to learn important personal and interpersonal skills which will serve her later in life. Don’t rush in to solve every problem – listen. But never back down where her personal safety is concerned.

6. Walk a mile in his shoes. Try to imagine what he’s experiencing and what it means to him. Your understanding and empathy can help him make it through his own trials.

7. Celebrate success. We dads sometimes tend to focus more on what’s not going right than we do on what is going well. Be sure to let her know how proud you are of her talents and accomplishments—even if they are not readily recognized by others.

8. Be his hero. Stay always mindful of his unique spirit and give him your loyalty, kindness, acceptance, respect, and support. Your influence in his life is unique, so make it as positive as possible.

9. Tell stories about yourself. Many things have changed since you were a kid, but most of the important stuff is still the same. Share your own youthful struggles with staying true to yourself, your values, and your friends. Don’t make every story into a lecture, and be sure to admit your mistakes—they can teach her a lot (starting with humility)!

10. Honor his interests. Even if his passion isn’t your first choice for fun, be there for him, let him teach you about his interests, and learn why he’s passionate about them. Your validation is a huge help to him.

To learn more about healthy fathering, visit www.TheDadMan.com.

9 Tips for Dads to Encourage Reading

2010-06-30T14:43:00.001-07:00

Whether your child is a toddler or a teenager, dads & stepdads can encourage the irreplaceable love of reading. Here's how:
(Pronouns alternate between daughter and son.)

Read to them. From her earliest days, read stories to your child from a picture book, the newspaper, or anyplace else. Your infant needs to hear your voice, and if she hears you reading, you help connect her to the excitement of the written word. When she's ready, invite her to read aloud to you and show her how much you enjoy listening. Some dads and daughters still read aloud when the daughter is a teenager or adult, because it's a special "just us" time together.
Show them books. Pictures in a book (or the actual world outside) are far more effective for a toddler's brain development than any video or TV show. In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends NO screen time for children under 2, because it can disrupt healthy brain development. On the other hand, reading together stimulates intellectual and social development.
Be patient. If you've ever tried to learn a new language as an adult, you understand how incredible it is for a pre-schooler to learn to speak and read her own language. It takes time! Play with letters together, help him learn and manipulate them. Most kids learn to read at their own pace with encouragement and exposure to letters and books.
Go to the library together. Libraries have something for people of every age and background. No matter how old she is, you can help turn her on to the joys of wondering the stacks and discovering hidden treasures of books around every corner.
Make books together. When he's young, scribble together in crayon on construction paper, and then fold the pieces together to make a book. Doesn't matter if it appears "real" to you or is just jibberish-he'll have the pride of creating a book. For more book-making ideas, see The Dads & Daughters Togetherness Guide: 54 Fun Activities to Help Build a Great Relationship.
Be eclectic. It's OK for teenagers to still like "Goodnight Moon" while simultaneously being passionate about anime, Jane Austin and Twilight. Reading is reading, so encourage it all.
Be curious. Ask your child about what she's reading, and be willing to answer questions about what you're reading (or anything else). Encourage her to ask questions about what a book says-and to use that critical thinking and curiosity in the rest of her life.
Power down. Too much time at a screen--TV, computer, video game, cell phone, etc,--inhibits your child's interest in reading and his ability to read well. Turn off screens, limit screen time, and cut back on the electronic toys. Simple toys (like blocks, crayons, and cardboard boxes) stimulate creative play, social and mental development, and lay a good foundation for reading.
Make time to read yourself. A big chunk of our fatherly influence comes from the example we set for our kids and stepkids. Get into reading yourself, and be eclectic-comic books are OK for you, too! Your enjoyment is infectious and triggers your child's interest.

Learn more about healthy fathering @ www.TheDadMan.com.

Fathers Day & Birth Days

2010-06-20T11:07:00.001-07:00

I like Fathers Day because I get good cards & messages from my kids and because I get to go out to eat. As a long-time advocate for fathers & stepfathers, I also like that folks spend at least a few moments thinking about involved fatherhood and its meaning.

No single experience transformed me as a human being more than the experience of being a father to my children. Taking the chance to be an at-home dad for some of their childhood, I felt the immediacy of that visceral, spiritual connection between father and child—a connection that continues 30 years later.

My kids are grown now, but that fact hasn’t changed some things. They are still important to me, and vice versa—although in different and continually evolving ways. I’ve also been blessed over the years to hear stories from thousands of fathers and kids, as a teacher and advocate for engaged fathering and stepfathering.

All of those stories and experiences renforce my measure of “engagement” for fathers: as a Dad, am I committing the same level of intensity as I did the day my child was born? The day of wonder and mystery and legacy when I first held my child in my hands?

So, there’s a Fathers Day wish: may every day as a dad bring you as much experience as possible of the intensity and wonder and commitment of fathering.

Father's Day Fill In the Blanks

2010-06-03T09:51:00.001-07:00

This Fathers Day, take a step beyond honoring dad with a card or gift. Set aside a few moments to learn something more about your own father, stepfather, father-in-law...and learn about yourself as a father. Fill in the blanks in the 10 statements below and then share them with your dad--and your kids.

If your father or stepfather is gone, show you answers to your spouse, partner, siblings, and/or other loved ones. (Thanks to Gary Burns & his daughters, creators of The Communications Game, for help with this list)

What I admire most about my father is ____. I say that because ____.

I really want my father to know ______. I say that because ______.

The time I felt most loved in my life was when ______. I say that because ______.

I wish my father and I had more time or ability to ___________ together. I say that because ______.

My greatest joy in life today is _______. I say that because ______. What is your greatest joy, Dad?

My greatest satisfaction in life today is _______. I say that because ______. What is your greatest satisfaction, Dad?

What I value most in a friend is _______. I say that because ______.

For me, loyalty means _________. I say that because ________.

Of all the people who died before I was born, I would most like to visit with ______. I say that because ________.

The thing I will remember most about my father is _________. I say that because ________.

12 Prom Tips for Dads

2010-03-30T12:37:00.001-07:00

Prom season is approaching fast. For Dads, that can stir up excitement, dread, fun, uncertainty...all at the same time! Prom is a sign of how quickly our "little" kids are growing up, and a reminder of the hazards they face out in the big bad world.

These TheDadMan.com tips help Dads and kids get the most out of Prom time (she/he pronouns alternate, but the tips apply equally to daughters and sons).

1. It's his Prom, not yours. Dad functions best when he's a good coach who listens closely to where he's at, rather than imposing his emotions or fears on the situation.

2. "Dad" = "Detective." Yes, it's more than okay to meet your kid's date ahead of time. Make it a low-pressure meeting, like encouraging her to invite her date over to do homework some night. Promise her you won't act like a prosecuting attorney (and then keep that promise), but let her know you care about her friends because you care so much about her.

3. Be in the know about the "Nos." No booze, no drugs, no hotel rooms, no riding without seatbelts. No exceptions--no matter how persistently he argues: "But, Dad! Everyone is doing it!" Then make sure he knows that, no matter where, when, or what the situation, you will come get kid & date immediately if they find themselves in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation. And that there will be no lecture until at least the next day. Make a pact that you and he BOTH will let each other know where you are and who you're with, all evening, no exceptions. Be sure he has access to a phone to reach you.

4. Keep your head when, all around you, others are losing their shoulder straps. Wearing "sexy" clothes (and dyeing hair) is normal adolescent behavior. It can be a teenager's self-directed experiment in self-definition. Dad's job is to let her know that he loves her for who she is, now and forever. Meanwhile, you are not a dork if you set a dress code, but be willing to compromise or (even better) develop a dress code together.

5. Beauty is in the eye of Dad. Always remember how important your opinions are to your child or stepchild. A kid needs to know that Dad thinks he is wonderful inside and out. Tell him he glows by just being himself. Remember: no tux, dress, hairdo or flowers can match the true, inner beauty you see in your children.

6. Yes, Dad, Prom costs money. So set a budget early. Talk honestly with each other about the cost of tickets, dress/tux/suit, flowers, parties, etc. Then work out a realistic plan for what you can afford together, letting her share some of the load.

7. Simple is the new black. Many kids and families (and, sadly, some schools) invest so much in Prom that it seems like a bigger deal than a wedding. While teens want to fit in, they also like to be different. So offer the "simple" approach to Prom as the way to be radically different. Skip the limo (dress up & be the chauffeur yourself), skip the high-priced labels (many fine togs hang in thrift and consignment shops), and skip the Royal Banquet (suggest the old-fashioned idea of post-Prom bowling or making a scene eating at the local diner in tuxes and gowns).

8. Do the Dad Dance. Make sure he knows how to slow dance with class and style. Practice with him and Mom or Stepmom to some songs from your Prom days.

9. Lock in on lock-ins. If the school hosts a post-Prom overnight lock-in, make sure you know what will be happening there and get her commitment to observe all the rules (including the one about having fun). If you volunteer to chaperone, make the following deal with a fellow chaperone: "I promised my daughter that I wouldn't hover around her and her date. So, if you keep a close eye on my kid, I'll cover your flank by keeping a close eye on your kid."

10. C'mon over! Avoid the post-Prom party minefield by having your kid and a handful of his friends (and even their dates!) over to your house for a relaxed, substance-free, and well-chaperoned get-together. Let them attend another non-school post-Prom party ONLY if you know the host family very well, they have a substance-free policy (& the parents know there's going to be a party!)

11. Breaking up doesn't mean the party's over. If she breaks up with her date before Prom, encourage her to go with one or more other friends, even if there isn't any romantic interest. But most of all, respect how she's feeling, hear her out, support her, and follow her lead.

12. Leave the light on. Wait up until he gets home, and then enjoy the fruit of your trust in each other-the great stories he'll tell about the Prom.

Learn more about healthy fathering @ www.TheDadMan.com.

Tips for Dads & Kids Watching the Super Bowl Together

2010-01-25T10:42:00.001-08:00

One of a Dad's simple pleasures is watching TV sports together with his kids and/or stepkids. But what about those moments (like during some questionable commercials) when you want to cover your child's eyes with your hands?

Here are a few simple tips from The Dad Man to help fathers and stepfathers get more out of watching February 7's Super Bowl 44 (and other TV sportscasts) with their daughters and sons.

1. Spend part of Sunday (or any) afternoon tossing the ball around with your kids. Dads who are physically active with their daughters & sons increase the odds that they'll grow up healthy and strong.
2. If she doesn't like to play catch, take a walk or bike ride together. Let your child know that you enjoy being with her. The time together may give her an opportunity to share what is going on in her life. Kids may see our enthusiasm for sports and think we're more interested in our favorite team than in them. Making time for them on Super Bowl Sunday (and every other day) can counter that perception.
3. Try to watch the broadcast through your child's eyes. Would any images, commercials, or events look or feel different if it was your kid on the screen? What does he think of all the hype about commercials during the game? Share your perceptions with him and ask him what he thinks.
4. When watching the game, be aware that the things your child or stepchild sees may be entirely different from what you see. For example, instead of enjoying the game, is your daughter feeling inadequate while comparing her body to the "perfect" cheerleaders or hyper-sexualized women in the ads? What misconceptions might the commercials give your son about what it means to be a "real" man?
5. Use the remote! If you see disrespectful or objectifying ads and images, change the channel so you, your kids, and your family don't have those images in your home. Let your kids know why you decided to flip and ask for their feedback.
6. Compare the number of female sports announcers (many fewer) and their roles (usually on the sidelines) to the number and role of the male announcers. Tell your kids what you think about those numbers. Do they mean that your daughter can't be as big a fan as you or your son? Do you want your sons or daughters to have their career aspirations curtailed by their gender?
7. Ask your kids which players and coaches they admire or see as heroes. Tell them which ones you admire, and then share your reasons with each other.
8. After the game, debate your opinions on the crucial plays and most exciting moments. Then invite your children or stepchildren to do something special together next Sunday to keep these conversations rolling and to convince them that the most important man in their lives takes them seriously-and enjoys being with them!
9. Use the Super Bowl to become more media-literate and sensitive to your children's experience. Pay more attention to how media portray boys, girls, women and men. When you see an advertisement or program, ask "What if it was my child in that picture?", and then reassess your reaction to it.

Get more fathering resources at www.TheDadMan.com.

The Holidays: Acquisition or Altruism?

2009-12-01T06:26:00.001-08:00

For parents trying to pass on positive values to children in a commercialized culture, the December holidays pose an especially difficult challenge. Each year, holiday marketing begins earlier. And our children, targets for marketing all year round, face an ever-intensified onslaught of advertising designed to supplant the cultural, spiritual, social-political meaning of the holidays with celebration of materialistic acquisition instead of altruism, spending instead of spirituality, and getting instead of giving.

That’s why I wrote a contribution to the Campaign for Commercial Free Childhood’s CCFC Guide to Commercial-Free Holidays.

Of course, there's no one size fits all method for getting through the holidays with your values intact. So the CCFC guide provides an array of suggestions, from people we respect and admire, for reclaiming your family celebrations from marketers. Please check it out.

Father-Child Gratitude

2009-11-23T11:30:00.001-08:00

Here’s a quick and simple exercise, appropriate for Thanksgiving week, to better understand how important you and your child or stepchild are to each other.

Type up your list and print it out nicely so that you can present it to your child. Feel free to decorate it, use fancy fonts, or keep it very simple. Then, give to your child.

Invite your child to write down 10 things she or he is grateful for about being a part of the family you both belong to—and invite her or him to share that list with the rest of the family.

Few of us spend a lot of conscious energy thinking about gratitude, so it can’t take some effort and concentration to articulate the things for which we are grateful. That’s OK—like most essential things in fathering, what is hard is also worthwhile.

Here at The Dad Man, we’re very grateful that you care so much about healthy, engaged fathering. Happy Thanksgiving!

10 TIPS FOR PREVENTING CYBER BULLYING

2009-10-29T12:32:00.001-07:00

These tips come courtesy of Ellen Ohlenbusch, President of McGruff SafeGuard (www.GoMcGruff.com)

1. Keep computers in an open area – not in a child’s bedroom

2. Tell kids to keep passwords safe, private and difficult to guess – no pet names as passwords!

3. Don’t allow your child to maintain multiple accounts with alias names

4. Teach children to respect others online, as they would in person

5. Discuss bullying and the emotional impact it creates

6. Discuss what content is and is not appropriate to share online

7. Tell kids that what they post online is “out there” forever – they can’t control how other people will use their photos or information

8. Discuss how ‘piling’ on is not appropriate. That while they may not start something, if they see cyber bullying happening, they should not contribute. [editorial comment from Joe Kelly: I think we also must help our kids learn how to intervene—one of the biggest contributors to bullying is the passivity of bystanders. See the Surviving Bullies website.]

9. Set a clear standard/example for your children to follow

10. Install a parental monitoring software that sends email alerts if cyber-bullying is detected.

Making a Difference-Preventing Violence

2009-09-02T12:23:00.001-07:00

As fathers and stepfathers of daughters, we realize our unique responsibility to assist in the primary prevention of sexual and domestic violence. But too many men don’t think we have a role.

That’s why I’d like you to join me at the “Men Can Make A Difference” conference October 2nd ad 3rd At Cragun’s Resort outside Brainerd, Minnesota. I’ll be conducting two workshops there and the featured speakers include Tony Porter (left) Co-Founder of A Call to Men and Robert Jensen (right), the University of Texas professor who does so much to show pornography’s devastating role in defining masculinity.

Learn more and register at www.menaspeacemakers.org/programs/mnman/conference.

I hope to see you there.

That Ain’t MY Baby!

2009-08-28T13:42:00.001-07:00

If you work with expectant parents (or are an expectant dad yourself), be sure you understand the power of language.

Remember that old Paul Anka hit, “Having My Baby?” Here’s a tip: Don’t ever say, “She’s having my baby.” (Sorry, Paul!)

Instead, say, “We’re having our baby.” Seem like a minor point? Well, it’s not. When you say “She’s having my baby,” it sounds like you own both the baby and the mom (you don’t) – a sentiment that may very well make your partner want to scream.

Anka’s song isn’t all bad. After all, he sings that having a baby is “a lovely way of sayin’ how much you love me.” But remember that it’s not just a lovely way for a woman to show that she loves a man – at its best, having a baby together is a sign of mutual love between the parents, regardless of gender. But (as you’ll soon learn), it’s a lot more than that, too.

The whole process of being an expectant father and a new dad is a “we” thing. You and your partner made this baby together, or decided together to adopt this baby. When you stop to think about it, that’s really a miracle! So, you both should do all you can to make sure you share it all.

Start by always remembering to tell people “We’re having a baby,” “We’re expecting,” “We’re adopting,” or “We’re pregnant.” Then, insist that others use similar terminology when referring to your pregnancy. That will help everyone (including you) get used to the idea that you are a full partner in this making and raising a baby gig.

Using this sort of verbiage also helps you avoid being shunted aside (or skulking away) when it comes to decisions about the pregnancy and arrival of the new child.

PS: The other thing you should be sure to say to your partner is “you’re beautiful” and “I love you”. Often.

The Value of Veteran Dads

2009-08-26T18:35:00.001-07:00

Working with new fathers or stepfathers? Here’s is some food for thought to share:

It is kind of silly not to take advantage of all the knowledge and wisdom held by veteran dads—the fathers who’ve gone ahead of us on this road of raising kids. Still, fathers don’t make a habit of talking to each other about being dads. We’re more comfortable discussing the latest football trade than the pros and cons of teaching an infant to swim.

Fortunately, you don’t have to repeat any “strong and silent” or “fathering is for wimps” patterns. (Parenting is most definitely not for wimps, whatever they are) So use your courage to ask an experienced father for advice. Or just ask him to tell stories about when he and his partner were first starting out. He’ll probably be flattered, and happy to chat.

And don’t forget those veteran moms. Girls grow up hearing as much about parenting as we heard about baseball. So, when they grow up and become moms, they can also be valuable coaches for us rookies.

So, on the days when you feel panicked and overwhelmed, stop and ask for help and directions from a veteran dad or a parents’ hotline or warmline. Notice, I said “when” and not “if”. You will feel panicked and overwhelmed, so don’t . . . well, panic about it!

Luckily, along with the fear, you’ll also start feeling great pride in your accomplishments. Rightly so! You are making a big difference in the life of your infant. That pride will continue to be a great comfort and motivation through all your days as a father.

Learn more @ www.TheDadMan.com

Dads & Daughters® Tips for Easing The Back-to-School Transition

2009-08-21T02:51:00.001-07:00

The start of the new school year can be a nerve-wracking time for our kids and stepkids. Here are 10 tips to help smooth the way. (Pronouns alternate between genders.)

1. Listen to what’s happening. If she’s stressed or upset about cliques, teams, new subjects, or anything else—give her your attention. Provide her time to get things out and do some processing before jumping in with judgments or suggestions.

6. Walk a mile in his shoes. Try to imagine what he’s experiencing and what it means to him. Your understanding and empathy can help him make it through his own trials.

To learn more about healthy fathering, visit www.TheDadMan.com.

10 Questions for a Dad to Ask His Kid

2009-07-24T05:43:00.001-07:00

It’s completely normal for dads and stepdads to struggle sometimes, especially when it comes to having “meaningful” conversations with our daughters and sons. Fortunately, summer offers a few more opportunities for a serious chat. Here are 10 questions to get a conversation started. Feel free to add questions of your own, and don’t feel like you have to use them all up in one sitting!

1. When are you the happiest in your life? Tell me more about that.
2. When are you the most proud of yourself? The most satisfied? Tell me more about that.
3. What do you wish we had more ability or time to do together? Tell me more about that.
4. What do you wish you had more ability or time to do for yourself? Tell me more about that.
5. What do you wish I had more ability or time to do for myself? Tell me more about that.
6. What is your biggest complaint about me? Tell me more about that.
7. What is your favorite thing about our relationship? Tell me more about that.
8. What’s the most important thing that you think we should be talking about that we haven’t been talking about—or else are not talking about enough? Tell me more about that.
9. If you could stop doing something right now, what would it be? Tell me more about that.
10. If you could start doing something right now, what would it be? Tell me more about that.

Adapted from The Dads & Daughters Togetherness Guide: 54 Fun Activities to Help Build a Great Relationship' target=_blank>The Dads & Daughters Togetherness Guide: 54 Fun Activities to Help Build a Great Relationship . Learn more at TheDadMan.com.

The Many-Made Dad

2009-06-18T13:58:00.000-07:00

According to the New York Times, historian David McCullough told this year’s graduates at University of Oklahoma that:

There is no such thing as a self-made man or woman. Never was, never will be. We are all, as were those in whose footsteps we follow, shaped by the influence and examples of countless others — parents, grandparents, friends, rivals. And by those who wrote the music that moves us to our souls, those whose performance on stage or on the playing field took our breaths away, those who wrote the great charters which are the bedrock of our system of self-government. And so many who, to our benefit, struggled and suffered through times of trouble and grave uncertainty. And by teachers. ... I want to stress as emphatically as I can the immeasurable importance of teachers.

I think the category of “teacher” stretches well beyond the schoolhouse doors. As Fathers Day approaches, take a minute to write down the names of some of your teachers and what they taught you about fathering.

My fathering teachers include my own dad, who taught me affection; my grandfather, who taught me integrity; authors like Leonard Pitts, Jr., Will Glennon and Bill Klatte, who taught me fathering skills and insights; my wife, who taught me what it’s like to grow up a girl (important info for a dad of daughters); and most important, my children, who taught me unconditional love.

How about you? Share your teachers & lessons below.

PS: Make sure to attend one of the Dads & Daughters® nights being held around the WNBA this week! See WNBA.com.

A Fathers Day Challenge

2009-05-22T05:30:00.000-07:00

More than 40 fathering organizations are making a statement this Father's Day—the 100th Anniversary of Father's Day. I'm behind this idea as a way to make visible the huge number of dads and stepdads deeply committed to our kids.

We're enlisting 1,000,000 dads to make a public commitment to their children. We want our kids to know that together, all of us dads are working for a more promising future for them, and we're committing ourselves to make that happen by living the five points of the 2009 Father's Day Commitment:

I will love my children
I will coach my children.
I will model for my children.
I will encourage other children.
I will enlist other dads to make and live the 2009 Father's Day Commitment.

We have less than a month until Father's Day. Will you help us reach 1,000,000 dads by making your commitment at www.fathers.com/rally and then forwarding this blog to every dad you know?

You can use Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter and every other method of social networking, too. Just direct folks to www.fathers.com/rally to make their commitment and to learn how to begin fulfilling it.

On that same page, you can also learn how to upload a commitment counter to your webpage or blog, or the website of your company, organization or faith community. That way you can direct your recruits to your own website and keep track of how many dads you have enlisted. You can (if you;re into this sort of thing) even challenge someone else in your community and see who can enlist the most dads. Go for it.

Männertag & Fathers Day

2009-05-19T06:25:00.000-07:00

An ex-pat friend recently passed along an article from Germany's English-language newspaper 'The Local' about the cultural differences between the USA/UK style Father's day and what passes for German Father's day.

Father’s Day in Germany - Männertag, (Men's Day) or if you’re an Ossie,(East German) Herrentag - is celebrated on Ascension Day [this coming Thursday, May 21] and it’s a far cry from the Hallmark card bonanza celebrated in America…. It’s a day when men bond over funny anecdotes, bitch about their women and get as drunk as humanly possible. Traditionally, it’s a meeting of all ages: the older ones initiate the young. The day starts around noon and takes the form of a walking tour from village to village, with the men pulling beer-stuffed carts or riding bicycles with baskets filled with drink.

The article goes on with more detail, but there is no mention of kids or fathering. My friend writes: “It has nothing to do with Fathers--just men getting drunk, yes, in front of their kids too and thinking themselves very funny. Actually, Joe, it's atrocious. It doesn't do the plight of fathers any good at all. What to do?”
There’s not much we can do from North America, where I live. But the Männertag phenomenon does trigger some reflection on how fathers (and men) are characterized here.
In a few ways, we paint a more positive picture of fathers and give some lip service to their importance. But in many other ways, men and women both continue to view fathers as ancillary; not necessarily all that essential to a child’s healthy upbringing. Such notions are reinforced by cultural stereotypes of dads as inept dolts--and of men as drunken, sex-obsessed slobs.
Granted, there are too many clueless fathers and men who think the label of “animal” is a compliment. But my experience indicates that the majority of fathers are trying, as best they can, to be an engaged, positive force in their children’s lives.
So what are you doing to debunk the reflections of Männertag that linger in your world?